Don't Mess With Electricity!

One fabulous afternoon while visiting my beloved Grandma, accompanied by my little brother and my older cousin we decided to experiment with electricity.

Not a good idea.  In one of the spare bedrooms of my grandmothers home there stood two miniture flouresent reading lights above the bed.  They were long bulbs like the ones below!

So there we were, my cousin and I concocting this atrocious plan to see what would happen if someone stuck their fingers into the sockets if there was no bulb in it.  Would they light up...would their hair stand up...would it be like on Tom and Jerry where someone would be flung to the ceiling...who knew!

So we stood there eyeing the lamp.."you do it" my cousin said to me as she took out the bulb...even at that young age I knew that this was not a good plan so I looked at her and said..."I will not do it" and stomped my feet...I then said "lets get Tom"...

My poor brother was only a baby..well he was about four or five....that would have made me about six or seven...my cousin was a good 3 years older than me so she should have known better..but no, she clearly didn't.

Up the stairs climbed Tom...."Tom, stick your finger in there" I said pointing to one of the holes where the bulb sat..he took his fat little pointer and in it went....nothing happened...."put your other one in there" said my cousin....nothing happened...

Disappointed by the lack of action we were seeing I decided to pull the cord to knock on the light.  I grabbed the cord, tugged it really fast, on off, on off, on off....he didn't even cry...but did look like a deer in the headlights.

Tom and I in and around the time of the incident in question!

Behind me I felt a swift clatter across the back of the head....and heard an almighty scream...."Holy Sweet Mother of Devine Jesus" my granny was behind us...she dragged poor Thomas away from the socket...he wasn't the better of it at all...he was brought to the Doctor...We were told on return that we were lucky we didn't kill him.

I think everyone involved in this story was a bit cabbagy this day....

How It All Started - My First Cabbagey Experience

First let me start by apologising for not posting in two days...This Christmas season is a very busy time and I just haven't had a spare second to do anything.  What with queuing for banklinks and standing behind people buying their Christmas Tracksuits and St. Stephens Day Tracksuit I haven't had time to do anything bar look upon these people with mild irritation and scratch my ass.

Anywho... back to where it all started...it was many moons ago and me being the outgoing over-energetic little tyke that I was secured the role of the Tin Man in the school musical 'The Wizard of Oz'.  

Now I know what your thinking...how come I didn't hold Dorothy's role..what with me being so talented an all. Well the fact of the matter was..I was tiny..and the costume for the Tin Man was for no want of a better word....minuscule.

The costume consisted of four cylinders and a box.  The cylinders were actually the inside roll that newsprint is printed onto so its like a really thick cardboard like material with about a three inch hollow circle in the middle of it.  

So basically they slid you into the two leg cylinders (which meant you couldn't bend your knees) they obviously weren't intelligent enough to cut the middle so the knee could bend, and then slid the box over the torso, then lashed on the two arms....no I couldn't bend them either.  Oh and then a silver funnel for a hat.

It was spray painted silver and was totally impractical.. I wobbled around the stage in rehearsals like a tool..unaware of this as I was only about eight. The only thing I was aware of was that it was really uncomfortable..I had bruises under my arms and in and around my arse and heals..defo a heath and safety hazzard.

So opening night came..the singing started and I was all ready with my costume pinching every inch of me.  I'm standing there ready to do my squeaky thing.  Dorothy puts oil in me..I start my song and as I go to wobble towards the audience for my "IF I ONLY HAD A HEART".....I went to step out...realised there was nothing there and fell off the stage..

Now you would think that I was rushed off to hospital to see if there were any injuries...nope, one of the staff just picked me up and placed me back onto the stage and I continued on singing through the tears...I put on the performance of a lifetime..

The following day they cut the cylinders so I could bend my knees and arms. The fall didn't deter me from performing..I performed many times after that...and had many more mishaps.

I am the one right in the middle in front of the mike...I was Silvest and this was at the Guinness Theatre and I had a broken left arm at the time...

The Jade Goody Work Out Video - Yet Another Broken Leg

RIP Jade Goody

Well yet another totally mortifying story to entertain you all.

This one starts on a mild Autum evening down in the Bough....Mom had died and myself and Kim had renovated the downstairs of the house knocking down walls and what not to give us more light and space...

Space to do workout videos...It was actually a DVD but due to my ever increasing age I still continue to say things like..I'm off to the video shop....or Skip, drop those DVD's round to the video shop....I dont actually call them videos..but the shop is still the video shop...

Anyway this one day Kim and I had had a barney of some description...probably down to leaving the emersion on or something...what with us being poverty stricken students and all that...ESB was pricey...

So she had gone out in a huff and I had been feeling like I had a fat day...well there's no lying about it..who am I kidding I WAS having a fat day due to the fact that I was a tad overweight....love them cream buns....

So out came Kims Jade Goody Dance DVD....In I popped, there she was God rest her soul bouncing around on screen...actually looked like a bit of crack so I decided to join in....I was just observing for a while...

Now in our little renovation of the house we made an adjustment to our fireplace..making not so child friendly what with sharp edges and the chrome edge thingy and I just wasn't paying it enough attention..

The workout started off fine...a couple of 1980 dance moves...I was all over that shit...

Then she started doing this 'must be modern for the time' but a jump thingy whereby you throw one leg over the other and kick out with the other...Bruce Lee would have had problems with this thing! Anyway me being one not to quit that easily was convinced I'd get it and be able to show Kim when she got back.....kind of like a kick you in the gilly peace offering...

So off I go..I must have looked like I was partaking in a sponsored epileptic fit..prancing around with no co-ordination...then out of nowhere I nail it...I'm flying around to the music..I think I am absolutly deadly...I'm prancing and singing and sweating buckets...

I think I got a little too over confident because I literally throw myself across the living room to the beat of the music and my leg goes from under me and I fly into the fireplace bashing my leg and what little dignity I had left off the hard concrete and metal.

I'm flailing around on the floor...crying yet again....I cant ring Kim so I ring Louise...(my like other fake sister) and her and her mom Lilo come around and take me to the hospital..

I am in with the nurse...she asks what happened...my face goes really red...I cant say dancing alone in my living room...they be calling the head doctors for me..do I decide to come clean.."I was doing the Jade Goody work out video"....silence....a smirk...another nurse comes in...what happened..the other nurse was only too delighted to tell her...what about patient confidentiality .

Needless to say they got a great laugh out of it....they even had the cheek to ask is it good....Yeah Brilliant I reply..Total Cabbagy Moment

What A Cabbage: Cabbage - An Actual Near Death Experience

What A Cabbage: Cabbage - An Actual Near Death Experience: Just over ten years ago I worked for a major financial services company..for whatever reason I the team I worked with went to a very upmark...

Cabbage - An Actual Near Death Experience

Just over ten years ago I worked for a major financial services company..for whatever reason I the team I worked with went to a very upmarket restaurant one lunch time..I cant really remember why we where there exactly but I remember we were going all out...

Anyway..I mussels to start...delicious...all white winey and scrumptious...

Had a glass of wine...yumser....

Out came the main...a beef dish with very fancy cabbage...The cabbage had been sliced down the middle into long strips which looked kind of like a tagliatelle..it was very tasty but hard enough to eat..

I figured it was best to eat it like a tagliatelle by rolling it around my fork and popping it into my mouth in a nice polite ladylike fashion.

This didn't happen quite as I planned..the first mouthful went down fine..nice..enjoyed it..had a chew..swallowed..perfect..the second went down exactly as I planned...I think I was lulled into a false sense of security and became a little too at one with the cabbage...

I think it may have been the third or fourth bite that caused the carnage...I rolled up my cabbagey tagliatelle like substance as normal and popped it into my mouth..I'm not exactly sure what happened then as I felt like the cabbage had grown hands and wrapped themselves around my tonsils..

I first did nothing only give myself a fright...after a couple of seconds I realised I couldn't breath...then I started to signal to others to hit my back..but they obviously didn't get what I was trying to signal.. charades obviously wasn't on the cards for a mid day dinner...

I eventually felt my face start to blow up like a balloon and get hot..I panic and jump up.. signalling to other tables that I need help...some large man runs over and starts giving me the hymlic manoeuvre and I feel a stab of relief...that doesn't work...tears are now streaming down my face....I don't even have the air in me to feel mortified....

As the man is crushing my chest I feel like giving up...until a waiter who has been looking at me in fear literally puts his hand into my mouth...gets nearly his whole hand down there and pulls out a piece of cabbage that looks like a large shoe lace...

When it comes out I take in a massive breath and fall to my knees bawling crying...the embarrassment starts to creep in...everyone at my table is just looking at me in mortification...the other tables are patting me on the back..I manage to get myself together and sit down..still crying with the shock of it all...

The waiter comes over and asks me am I ok...I mumble yes through the tears....He tells me I can have ice-cream on the house...I throw him a look...not really a pissed off look...but one that said "I know you saved me and everything ...but really....ice-cream"  What I really wanted him to say is...OK the chef has been fired due to his incompetent fancy cabbage...

My dinner was taken away and in its place was put three scoops of ice-cream in various flavours.....needless to say I didn't eat them...  I had been taken down by a CABBAGE......Mortified

What A Cabbage: Cemeteries - Not All They Are Cracked Up To Be

What A Cabbage: Cemeteries - Not All They Are Cracked Up To Be: This is broken leg story number too...a little more dramatic and stupid than the taking in the washing one... This happened in the Glendalo...

Cemeteries - Not All They Are Cracked Up To Be

This is broken leg story number too...a little more dramatic and stupid than the taking in the washing one... This happened in the Glendalough Cemetery in Wicklow.

About ten years ago I stupidly volunteered along with another few muppets to take a group of under-privileged children up to Glendalough Cemetery on the night of All Hallows Eve for a scaretastic treasure hunt...and for the non muppet like people out there All Hallows Eve is the night of Halloween.

Two problems arose.. I am terrified of graveyards...I am also afraid of the night...now not night time just the dark of the night...along with these two issues I had to deal with four youths who had no respect for these fears or the effects they might have on others....let alone had no respect for me...

Anyway as we stumbled our way around the graveyard in the pitch black hunting for clues I grew more and more anxious and more and more pissed off with my generosity to help out others....

We arrived at the shell of an oul church which was really scary...now I don't mean Harry Potter scary or even Thirteen Ghosts scary, I am talking Night of the Living Dead Scary or Pet Cemetery Scary...Now put together ...fear....my competitive streak......little shits taunting me and my ability to give in to peer pressure..well it wasn't exactly peer pressure but it was pressure..I decided to go in...Alone....

I run forward into the church..its very very dark..I see steps, climb them, I run into a room and collect the clue..dont ask cause for the life of me I don't know what it was..but needless to say I was petrified...so petrified that logic didn't take over, nor did sense or the ability to be rational...so what did I do, I saw another set of steps that led into the light...well the light of the moon anyway...I run towards them...

Now me, running and the dark are not three words that should be in a sentence together...I ran...I hit the first step...then the second..then........I ran of the side of the building...there was no third subsequent step..only two steps that led to nowhere only suicide......

As I fell the few feet to the ground, landing on another set of steps I realised what a total tool I was....and as I lay there screaming in pain...there was no consideration for anyone here, just me....I am howling and wailing and all our group surrounded me I realised something....I hate teenagers...they all stood there pointing and laughing while I lay there crying and wailing....

I started screaming at the other volunteers to get me the f*&k out of there...so instead of calling an ambulance or an airlift as I requested, a couple of the lads carried me to a van where I was quite literally thrown into and driven to the nearest hospital...where the lads said the traffic was two busy and I would be best going in the morning..so they dumped me home...

The next morning I woke up and observed a blue and purple ball in place of where my foot once was..I went immediately to A&E and was informed I had broken my ankle....now before you say anything..I know...I...AM....A....TOTAL.....CABBAGE......

photos courtesy of inmagine and world of stock.com