What A Cow

For those of you who read my blog about me playing the tin man in the Wizard of Oz, this blog has the same location, just not on the stage.

I was very tiny in both primary and secondary school, always one of the smallest.

In primary it didn't take long for others to take advantage of the fact that I was little.  I got bullied a lot, I didn't have that inner city twang that the others had.  When I first started in William Street I got an awful lot of grief, I was thrown in a cement mixer, I had paint in my hair, I was constantly slagged because I didn't sound like 'town'.  Now don't get me wrong, I had friends, I was popular with them, I don't actually remember feeling like I was being bullied.

I do remember hating and fearing a couple of the girls who in my opinion were horrible people but bar those I enjoyed school.  I had lots of extra curricular things to keep me occupied.

My brother (god bless him) on a number of occasions would come running from the nearby boys school to rescue me and find me in all kinds of shite.

Now this incident is not so much my fault, not me being clumsy for once, but some might find it funny.

                                                                 Not Actual Horses

I was in the PE hall of our school doing gym and there were if you can imagine, these little bench things that after watching the demonstration, one had to jump up on and run along, then jump off it and then jump onto one of those horse things by using this little bouncy thing that wasn't a trampoline but a leathery thing that just gave a bit of a bounce, then jump on the horse and jump off it onto a blue mat then jump on to the other
bench, run along it and run back to the beginning of the line to start all over again.

Easy right, No!

I waited my turn in anticipation, I was very competitive for a short kid.  I watched as one of the taller girls pranced along the bench, jumped of, gracefully, then using the bouncy thing flung herself up onto the horse getting a cheer from the others.  She then jumped off the horse onto the mat adding a little jump at the end and onto the last bench where she danced and skipped down the bench to the finish.  Grand I thought, that looks easy.

I run toward the bench, jump up onto it, EASY, run along the bench and jump off, SUPER, then I run at the bouncy thing, throw myself at it hurling myself toward the horse where I totally wind myself as I didn't get enough hight and my chest hit the edge.  OWWHHHHHAA I hear in unison behind me, I fight it off and drag myself up onto the horse.  I'm tiny remember, I didn't realise how high this is, I am standing there debating whether or not to scale down the side of it.  It looks really high from up there.

I hear someone running along the bench, SHITE, I have to jump down, OHHH I stand there himming and hawwing about throwing myself off it.  I look behind and one of the really tall girls is bouncing up onto the horse, there is not enough room for both of us, Balls, I stand and face her deciding to scale down, too late, she bounces up onto the horse, she must have given herself a good bounce cause as she hits the horse she is in the middle of it with one leg out.  She kicks me in the chin and I go flying off the horse backwards missing the mat by about a foot.

                                                                  Not My Actual Neck

I hear all kinds of laughter and I am bawling on the floor.  The other girl stands over me apologising but I start to wonder is she really sorry.  I am hawled off in an ambulance to head off to Temple Street.  Turned out to be for the best cause I was off school for a few days after pulling something in my neck and ended up with a huge collar thing on my neck.  I was only about 9.

Who is to blame here, me for dilly dallying on the horse or the tall girl for kicking me off it....
Either way...makes for a good cabbagy moment!

Don't Get Caught With Your Pants Down

Firstly let me start by apologising for my lack of blog over the Christmas period, I was out of town visiting my only skin and blister and her new baby and couldn't be arsed..actually I'm not really sorry at all but sure I'm back now so I have decided to share a little story.

It starts like this.  I'm about twelve years old maybe eleven.  My mom sends me down to the local shop to get a pint of milk and a sliced pan.

Off I trot in a little dress, I can even remember it, it was white with a red belt and a navy stripped skirt piece that totally showed off my underwear when I spun in a circle.  I loved it.

So there I am skipping happily along until I reach the store.  I push open the heavy glass door and with my £5 note (the euro didn't exist back then) in my hand and enter the store.

I skip in and see the cutest little Yorkshire terrier on a shoe lace like lead who was attached to this middle aged woman I knew from around the corner.

It is so cute that I cant take my eyes off its big sad eyes.  I skip over to the milk and pull a pint from the fridge and then over to the bread to get a sliced pan all the while staring into that cute little puppy dog's eyes.

                                                                          Not Actual Dog
I then skip over the till area where this lil cutie is to pay for my items.  The woman is talking to the aul bitch behind the counter, I say aul bitch because she is one.  She hates kids and treats them like crap.  More so than the average aul bitch of a shopkeeper.

As I plank my items down on the counter I look into the dogs eyes and crouch down to rub his soft looking fur.

As I squat down my floppy little dress must catch some air, kind of like a parachute effect and frighten the dog because he jumps up and bites me on the ass.

The aul bitch behind the counter goes mad shouting at me to get my stuff and get out frightening a little dog like that.  I'm totally traumatised.

I grab my shit with tears in my eyes and limp all the way home.  When I see my mum I totally burst into tears and tell her what happened.  She immediately grabs me, flings me over her lap to have a good look at the bite wound.

My mom starts ranting, I know something bad is happening because she is shouting about "f@&king animals" and "I'll give her frightening a lil dog" and before I know it I am being dragged down the road crying my eyes out towards the shop.

We enter the shop like thunder at which point the aul bitch's face drops to the ground because as soon as we are in my mom hauls me over the counter pulls up my dress and proceeds to show my ass to the entire store.  Now by entire there were only a couple of other people in there but I could see the shock on their faces and feel mine in flames.

The aul bitch goes white as my mom starts threatening her with suing the shop if she doesn't tell her where this woman lives.  The aul bitch gives in, its not surprising that she would give in considering she would rather give her left nipple than part with five cents of her money.  My mom is still not satisfied and screams threats at the aul bitch before dragging me out the door.

Thank God I think as we head out, home, but no, she is dragging me in the direction of the neighbouring avenue and pulling me at speed while ranting to herself about strangling the dog and what she won't do to it when we get there.

When we arrive at our destination my mom starts banging on the door, making a show of me she was.  The woman answers the door clearly terrified  by my moms screaming from outside.

Immediately my mother again exposes my ass to the entire street, some of whom have actually come out to have a look at the raving lunatic ranting on about her daughters ass.  I quite literally want to die right there as a girl I dont particularly like passes by sniggering.

The woman starts to cry apologising, my mom is crying about my ass, the woman starts going on about being alone and the dog is like her child.  My mom is bawling now.  I am crying with the embarrassment.  The woman tells mom she will pay for my tetanus and any medical treatment.

Mom calms down.  I am dragged back to the house, mom is deflated.  She takes me for a tetnis.  She doesn't ask the woman for the cost of it! I get a bollocking for trying to pet every animal I lay my eyes on.  Moral of the story.. Don't wear a skirt that catches the wind.

Don't Mess With Electricity!

One fabulous afternoon while visiting my beloved Grandma, accompanied by my little brother and my older cousin we decided to experiment with electricity.

Not a good idea.  In one of the spare bedrooms of my grandmothers home there stood two miniture flouresent reading lights above the bed.  They were long bulbs like the ones below!

So there we were, my cousin and I concocting this atrocious plan to see what would happen if someone stuck their fingers into the sockets if there was no bulb in it.  Would they light up...would their hair stand up...would it be like on Tom and Jerry where someone would be flung to the ceiling...who knew!

So we stood there eyeing the lamp.."you do it" my cousin said to me as she took out the bulb...even at that young age I knew that this was not a good plan so I looked at her and said..."I will not do it" and stomped my feet...I then said "lets get Tom"...

My poor brother was only a baby..well he was about four or five....that would have made me about six or seven...my cousin was a good 3 years older than me so she should have known better..but no, she clearly didn't.

Up the stairs climbed Tom...."Tom, stick your finger in there" I said pointing to one of the holes where the bulb sat..he took his fat little pointer and in it went....nothing happened...."put your other one in there" said my cousin....nothing happened...

Disappointed by the lack of action we were seeing I decided to pull the cord to knock on the light.  I grabbed the cord, tugged it really fast, on off, on off, on off....he didn't even cry...but did look like a deer in the headlights.

Tom and I in and around the time of the incident in question!

Behind me I felt a swift clatter across the back of the head....and heard an almighty scream...."Holy Sweet Mother of Devine Jesus" my granny was behind us...she dragged poor Thomas away from the socket...he wasn't the better of it at all...he was brought to the Doctor...We were told on return that we were lucky we didn't kill him.

I think everyone involved in this story was a bit cabbagy this day....

How It All Started - My First Cabbagey Experience

First let me start by apologising for not posting in two days...This Christmas season is a very busy time and I just haven't had a spare second to do anything.  What with queuing for banklinks and standing behind people buying their Christmas Tracksuits and St. Stephens Day Tracksuit I haven't had time to do anything bar look upon these people with mild irritation and scratch my ass.

Anywho... back to where it all started...it was many moons ago and me being the outgoing over-energetic little tyke that I was secured the role of the Tin Man in the school musical 'The Wizard of Oz'.  

Now I know what your thinking...how come I didn't hold Dorothy's role..what with me being so talented an all. Well the fact of the matter was..I was tiny..and the costume for the Tin Man was for no want of a better word....minuscule.

The costume consisted of four cylinders and a box.  The cylinders were actually the inside roll that newsprint is printed onto so its like a really thick cardboard like material with about a three inch hollow circle in the middle of it.  

So basically they slid you into the two leg cylinders (which meant you couldn't bend your knees) they obviously weren't intelligent enough to cut the middle so the knee could bend, and then slid the box over the torso, then lashed on the two arms....no I couldn't bend them either.  Oh and then a silver funnel for a hat.

It was spray painted silver and was totally impractical.. I wobbled around the stage in rehearsals like a tool..unaware of this as I was only about eight. The only thing I was aware of was that it was really uncomfortable..I had bruises under my arms and in and around my arse and heals..defo a heath and safety hazzard.

So opening night came..the singing started and I was all ready with my costume pinching every inch of me.  I'm standing there ready to do my squeaky thing.  Dorothy puts oil in me..I start my song and as I go to wobble towards the audience for my "IF I ONLY HAD A HEART".....I went to step out...realised there was nothing there and fell off the stage..

Now you would think that I was rushed off to hospital to see if there were any injuries...nope, one of the staff just picked me up and placed me back onto the stage and I continued on singing through the tears...I put on the performance of a lifetime..

The following day they cut the cylinders so I could bend my knees and arms. The fall didn't deter me from performing..I performed many times after that...and had many more mishaps.

I am the one right in the middle in front of the mike...I was Silvest and this was at the Guinness Theatre and I had a broken left arm at the time...