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Monday, 27 January 2014

Hopefully no Heterosexuals were hurt in the creating of this blog!

Earlier this week I got up to find the area around my sink covered in water.  Now initially I blamed my partner on being a sloppy dish washer upper and her inability to press the 'ON' button on the dishwasher so I cleaned up the mess while muttering my annoyances to myself and forgot about it until 24 hours later when I received a panic stricken phone call from her stating that water was pouring out of the boiler and into the microwave which led to it shorting out the electricity.  I immediately left work and jumped into my car to go get a plumber.
As I sat in my car, stuck in traffic, watching the rain pummel the crap out of my windscreen I thought to myself, if like this UKIP David Silvester guy believes, the gays are to blame for the awful weather we are having,  who can I blame for rush hour traffic? On pondering this question while I sat there watching the couple in the car next to me tear strips out of each other, I tried to imagine what their argument was about and it hit me.
The heterosexuals.  I can blame the heterosexuals.  Now I know this sounds bizarre but give me a second.
We all love to blame someone or something when things go wrong, just like Professor Dick Swaab a professor of neurobiology at Amsterdam University.  According to an article in the Telegraph last week he suggests that pregnant women who drink and take drugs can lower a childs IQ and taking synthetic hormones and smoking can increase the chances of girls being lesbians or bisexual. Now I know my mother didn't smoke during her pregnancy so that leaves all those synthetic hormones she must have taken.
So anyway, blame..... Here is my reasoning.
Firstly, I'm sitting in traffic.  Chances are given the gay to straight ratio there are more 'straights' in their cars than there are 'gays'.  So surely the Heteros are to blame on the traffic.  If all the Heteros  took to cycling or walking to and from work there would be no such thing as a traffic jam.
Secondly, my boiler was installed by a Hetero, so surely its the fault of the whole heterosexual community and not the fault of the heat exchanger.
Thirdly, my microwave is screwed so I have to buy another one, a perfectly decent microwave ruined by a short because of the dodgy boiler part, definitely the fault of the heterosexual electrician who wired the house.
If by any chance any heterosexual people are reading this I am going to make a public apology now rather than wait.  I am sorry for making out that the heterosexual community are to blame for traffic, or a worn out heat exchanger, or my microwave shorting out because of the water. I am being totally ignorant. I would just like to point out how ridiculous this blog  actually is. It's nearly as ridiculous as the gays being the cause of the bad weather.  Or if by smoking and taking synthetic hormones while pregnant can be the cause of a gay child.  How in this day and age can these comments be entertained.  You can bet your bottom dollar that mine wont.
So before we all go around blaming each other lets just sit down and think about it for a moment.
Hopefully no heterosexuals were harmed in the creating of this blog.

Friday, 10 January 2014

The Jollerie New Year - I can't believe it's been a year since I didn't become a better person.

What exactly is a New Years Resolution, it’s a to do list for the first week of January.  So, As we are already ten days into 2014 and I sit here tits deep in boredom, it struck me that as the new year reals in so does my never ending  aging.  I feel like I’m getting so old I’m going to need the bible to reminisce.  So I want to feel younger…how does one do that? Can one change the habits of a lifetime? I’m not sure.  They are not called habits of a year, or the habits of 2000-2014, a lifetime is a lifetime. 

I feel very hard done by having a new years birthday, how dare my parents be so inconsiderate.  While every other Tom Dick and Mary are out there celebrating the fact that they are giving up the usual things, deciding they are going to go to the gym at least 3 times a week and hugging strangers they barely know whilst signing old Lang Sigh , I’m planning my birthday and there is no way I am not drinking, smoking or being a generally debaucherous human until at least mid January.

Instead of giving up the drink or the smokes or even in some cases the food, you (well I) drink, smoke and eat your way into the new year trying to distract yourself from the impending birthday and before you know it, it’s the end of January and too late to give up said drink, smokes and food until next year. 

So I’m making a change, I’ve decided to have my new year like the Chinese, later on in January.  Now the Chinese are celebrating their new year on Friday 31st January, that’s a little late for my liking, I could end up putting on another stone and becoming a fully fledged alcoholic before then.  Thankfully I’ve given up the smokes, well I have the odd one now and then but I’m not buying them regularly and I’m quite proud of that.

So I’m creating the Jollerie New Year.  This year on Monday the 13th January 2014 I’m starting my own new year.  Now I know 13 is usually an unlucky number but sure I’m pretty unlucky anyway and I’ve failed at every other attempt I’ve made to change my bad habits so I’m going to overlook the unlucky number and take it as a good omen and start afresh.

·         I’m not going to do weight watchers – I’m sick and tired of paying to be told I didn’t stick to my diet plan.

·         I’m not going to promise to go to the gym – I’m a bit of a rebel and hate “having to do things” so its best to just go with the flow and do it when I want to.

·         I’m not going to not drink – I’ll just drink in moderation

·         I’m not going to not eat – I shall eat when I want but try be healthy

·         I’m not going to not smoke – I will smoke if the mood takes me but be sensible

I have four weddings this year so if I cant find a dress I only have myself to blame.  One of which I am a bridesmaid for with two scrawnbags (yes you know who you are and you are scrawnbags),  so on this note I shall promise myself day by day to do something, if I feel like going to the gym I will, if I feel like having a drink I will, I recon its all about moderation.  So I will cross my fingers, legs and fallopian tubes and pray to all that is holy that this year will be the year I change those habits of a lifetime!  Roll on 2014 Year of The Jollerie