Earlier this week I got up to find the area around my sink covered in water. Now initially I blamed my partner on being a sloppy dish washer upper and her inability to press the 'ON' button on the dishwasher so I cleaned up the mess while muttering my annoyances to myself and forgot about it until 24 hours later when I received a panic stricken phone call from her stating that water was pouring out of the boiler and into the microwave which led to it shorting out the electricity. I immediately left work and jumped into my car to go get a plumber.
As I sat in my car, stuck in traffic, watching the rain pummel the crap out of my windscreen I thought to myself, if like this UKIP David Silvester guy believes, the gays are to blame for the awful weather we are having, who can I blame for rush hour traffic? On pondering this question while I sat there watching the couple in the car next to me tear strips out of each other, I tried to imagine what their argument was about and it hit me.
The heterosexuals. I can blame the heterosexuals. Now I know this sounds bizarre but give me a second.
We all love to blame someone or something when things go wrong, just like Professor Dick Swaab a professor of neurobiology at Amsterdam University. According to an article in the Telegraph last week he suggests that pregnant women who drink and take drugs can lower a childs IQ and taking synthetic hormones and smoking can increase the chances of girls being lesbians or bisexual. Now I know my mother didn't smoke during her pregnancy so that leaves all those synthetic hormones she must have taken.
So anyway, blame..... Here is my reasoning.
Firstly, I'm sitting in traffic. Chances are given the gay to straight ratio there are more 'straights' in their cars than there are 'gays'. So surely the Heteros are to blame on the traffic. If all the Heteros took to cycling or walking to and from work there would be no such thing as a traffic jam.
Secondly, my boiler was installed by a Hetero, so surely its the fault of the whole heterosexual community and not the fault of the heat exchanger.
Thirdly, my microwave is screwed so I have to buy another one, a perfectly decent microwave ruined by a short because of the dodgy boiler part, definitely the fault of the heterosexual electrician who wired the house.
If by any chance any heterosexual people are reading this I am going to make a public apology now rather than wait. I am sorry for making out that the heterosexual community are to blame for traffic, or a worn out heat exchanger, or my microwave shorting out because of the water. I am being totally ignorant. I would just like to point out how ridiculous this blog actually is. It's nearly as ridiculous as the gays being the cause of the bad weather. Or if by smoking and taking synthetic hormones while pregnant can be the cause of a gay child. How in this day and age can these comments be entertained. You can bet your bottom dollar that mine wont.
So before we all go around blaming each other lets just sit down and think about it for a moment.
Hopefully no heterosexuals were harmed in the creating of this blog.