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Thursday, 8 December 2011

Cabbage - An Actual Near Death Experience


Just over ten years ago I worked for a major financial services company..for whatever reason I the team I worked with went to a very upmarket restaurant one lunch time..I cant really remember why we where there exactly but I remember we were going all out...

Anyway..I mussels to start...delicious...all white winey and scrumptious...

Had a glass of wine...yumser....

Out came the main...a beef dish with very fancy cabbage...The cabbage had been sliced down the middle into long strips which looked kind of like a tagliatelle..it was very tasty but hard enough to eat..


I figured it was best to eat it like a tagliatelle by rolling it around my fork and popping it into my mouth in a nice polite ladylike fashion.

This didn't happen quite as I planned..the first mouthful went down fine..nice..enjoyed it..had a chew..swallowed..perfect..the second went down exactly as I planned...I think I was lulled into a false sense of security and became a little too at one with the cabbage...

I think it may have been the third or fourth bite that caused the carnage...I rolled up my cabbagey tagliatelle like substance as normal and popped it into my mouth..I'm not exactly sure what happened then as I felt like the cabbage had grown hands and wrapped themselves around my tonsils..

I first did nothing only give myself a fright...after a couple of seconds I realised I couldn't breath...then I started to signal to others to hit my back..but they obviously didn't get what I was trying to signal.. charades obviously wasn't on the cards for a mid day dinner...

I eventually felt my face start to blow up like a balloon and get hot..I panic and jump up.. signalling to other tables that I need help...some large man runs over and starts giving me the hymlic manoeuvre and I feel a stab of relief...that doesn't work...tears are now streaming down my face....I don't even have the air in me to feel mortified....

As the man is crushing my chest I feel like giving up...until a waiter who has been looking at me in fear literally puts his hand into my mouth...gets nearly his whole hand down there and pulls out a piece of cabbage that looks like a large shoe lace...

When it comes out I take in a massive breath and fall to my knees bawling crying...the embarrassment starts to creep in...everyone at my table is just looking at me in mortification...the other tables are patting me on the back..I manage to get myself together and sit down..still crying with the shock of it all...

The waiter comes over and asks me am I ok...I mumble yes through the tears....He tells me I can have ice-cream on the house...I throw him a look...not really a pissed off look...but one that said "I know you saved me and everything ...but really....ice-cream"  What I really wanted him to say is...OK the chef has been fired due to his incompetent fancy cabbage...

My dinner was taken away and in its place was put three scoops of ice-cream in various flavours.....needless to say I didn't eat them...  I had been taken down by a CABBAGE......Mortified

6 comments:

  1. Funny, funny lady. Made me laugh out loud! x

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  2. Thanks Kerry ann delighted you like it!

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  3. fancy cabbage hahahahaha bet it wasnt so fancy coming out the other end bahahahaha

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  4. Well I didn't eat enough of it to have that problem!!!

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  5. I know what I'm NOT having for dinner next Thursday night X

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  6. lol..cabbage is a must in wagamama

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