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Saturday, 17 December 2011

Don't Mess With Electricity!

One fabulous afternoon while visiting my beloved Grandma, accompanied by my little brother and my older cousin we decided to experiment with electricity.

Not a good idea.  In one of the spare bedrooms of my grandmothers home there stood two miniture flouresent reading lights above the bed.  They were long bulbs like the ones below!


So there we were, my cousin and I concocting this atrocious plan to see what would happen if someone stuck their fingers into the sockets if there was no bulb in it.  Would they light up...would their hair stand up...would it be like on Tom and Jerry where someone would be flung to the ceiling...who knew!

So we stood there eyeing the lamp.."you do it" my cousin said to me as she took out the bulb...even at that young age I knew that this was not a good plan so I looked at her and said..."I will not do it" and stomped my feet...I then said "lets get Tom"...

My poor brother was only a baby..well he was about four or five....that would have made me about six or seven...my cousin was a good 3 years older than me so she should have known better..but no, she clearly didn't.

Up the stairs climbed Tom...."Tom, stick your finger in there" I said pointing to one of the holes where the bulb sat..he took his fat little pointer and in it went....nothing happened...."put your other one in there" said my cousin....nothing happened...

Disappointed by the lack of action we were seeing I decided to pull the cord to knock on the light.  I grabbed the cord, tugged it really fast, on off, on off, on off....he didn't even cry...but did look like a deer in the headlights.

Tom and I in and around the time of the incident in question!

Behind me I felt a swift clatter across the back of the head....and heard an almighty scream...."Holy Sweet Mother of Devine Jesus" my granny was behind us...she dragged poor Thomas away from the socket...he wasn't the better of it at all...he was brought to the Doctor...We were told on return that we were lucky we didn't kill him.

I think everyone involved in this story was a bit cabbagy this day....

Friday, 16 December 2011

How It All Started - My First Cabbagey Experience

First let me start by apologising for not posting in two days...This Christmas season is a very busy time and I just haven't had a spare second to do anything.  What with queuing for banklinks and standing behind people buying their Christmas Tracksuits and St. Stephens Day Tracksuit I haven't had time to do anything bar look upon these people with mild irritation and scratch my ass.


Anywho... back to where it all started...it was many moons ago and me being the outgoing over-energetic little tyke that I was secured the role of the Tin Man in the school musical 'The Wizard of Oz'.  

Now I know what your thinking...how come I didn't hold Dorothy's role..what with me being so talented an all. Well the fact of the matter was..I was tiny..and the costume for the Tin Man was for no want of a better word....minuscule.

The costume consisted of four cylinders and a box.  The cylinders were actually the inside roll that newsprint is printed onto so its like a really thick cardboard like material with about a three inch hollow circle in the middle of it.  

So basically they slid you into the two leg cylinders (which meant you couldn't bend your knees) they obviously weren't intelligent enough to cut the middle so the knee could bend, and then slid the box over the torso, then lashed on the two arms....no I couldn't bend them either.  Oh and then a silver funnel for a hat.

It was spray painted silver and was totally impractical.. I wobbled around the stage in rehearsals like a tool..unaware of this as I was only about eight. The only thing I was aware of was that it was really uncomfortable..I had bruises under my arms and in and around my arse and heals..defo a heath and safety hazzard.

So opening night came..the singing started and I was all ready with my costume pinching every inch of me.  I'm standing there ready to do my squeaky thing.  Dorothy puts oil in me..I start my song and as I go to wobble towards the audience for my "IF I ONLY HAD A HEART".....I went to step out...realised there was nothing there and fell off the stage..

Now you would think that I was rushed off to hospital to see if there were any injuries...nope, one of the staff just picked me up and placed me back onto the stage and I continued on singing through the tears...I put on the performance of a lifetime..


The following day they cut the cylinders so I could bend my knees and arms. The fall didn't deter me from performing..I performed many times after that...and had many more mishaps.
I am the one right in the middle in front of the mike...I was Silvest and this was at the Guinness Theatre and I had a broken left arm at the time...

Sunday, 11 December 2011

The Jade Goody Work Out Video - Yet Another Broken Leg


RIP Jade Goody

Well yet another totally mortifying story to entertain you all.

This one starts on a mild Autum evening down in the Bough....Mom had died and myself and Kim had renovated the downstairs of the house knocking down walls and what not to give us more light and space...

Space to do workout videos...It was actually a DVD but due to my ever increasing age I still continue to say things like..I'm off to the video shop....or Skip, drop those DVD's round to the video shop....I dont actually call them videos..but the shop is still the video shop...

Anyway this one day Kim and I had had a barney of some description...probably down to leaving the emersion on or something...what with us being poverty stricken students and all that...ESB was pricey...

So she had gone out in a huff and I had been feeling like I had a fat day...well there's no lying about it..who am I kidding I WAS having a fat day due to the fact that I was a tad overweight....love them cream buns....

So out came Kims Jade Goody Dance DVD....In I popped, there she was God rest her soul bouncing around on screen...actually looked like a bit of crack so I decided to join in....I was just observing for a while...

Now in our little renovation of the house we made an adjustment to our fireplace..making not so child friendly what with sharp edges and the chrome edge thingy and I just wasn't paying it enough attention..

The workout started off fine...a couple of 1980 dance moves...I was all over that shit...

Then she started doing this 'must be modern for the time' but a jump thingy whereby you throw one leg over the other and kick out with the other...Bruce Lee would have had problems with this thing! Anyway me being one not to quit that easily was convinced I'd get it and be able to show Kim when she got back.....kind of like a kick you in the gilly peace offering...

So off I go..I must have looked like I was partaking in a sponsored epileptic fit..prancing around with no co-ordination...then out of nowhere I nail it...I'm flying around to the music..I think I am absolutly deadly...I'm prancing and singing and sweating buckets...

I think I got a little too over confident because I literally throw myself across the living room to the beat of the music and my leg goes from under me and I fly into the fireplace bashing my leg and what little dignity I had left off the hard concrete and metal.

I'm flailing around on the floor...crying yet again....I cant ring Kim so I ring Louise...(my like other fake sister) and her and her mom Lilo come around and take me to the hospital..

I am in with the nurse...she asks what happened...my face goes really red...I cant say dancing alone in my living room...they be calling the head doctors for me..do I decide to come clean.."I was doing the Jade Goody work out video"....silence....a smirk...another nurse comes in...what happened..the other nurse was only too delighted to tell her...what about patient confidentiality .

Needless to say they got a great laugh out of it....they even had the cheek to ask is it good....Yeah Brilliant I reply..Total Cabbagy Moment

Thursday, 8 December 2011

What A Cabbage: Cabbage - An Actual Near Death Experience

What A Cabbage: Cabbage - An Actual Near Death Experience: Just over ten years ago I worked for a major financial services company..for whatever reason I the team I worked with went to a very upmark...

Cabbage - An Actual Near Death Experience


Just over ten years ago I worked for a major financial services company..for whatever reason I the team I worked with went to a very upmarket restaurant one lunch time..I cant really remember why we where there exactly but I remember we were going all out...

Anyway..I mussels to start...delicious...all white winey and scrumptious...

Had a glass of wine...yumser....

Out came the main...a beef dish with very fancy cabbage...The cabbage had been sliced down the middle into long strips which looked kind of like a tagliatelle..it was very tasty but hard enough to eat..


I figured it was best to eat it like a tagliatelle by rolling it around my fork and popping it into my mouth in a nice polite ladylike fashion.

This didn't happen quite as I planned..the first mouthful went down fine..nice..enjoyed it..had a chew..swallowed..perfect..the second went down exactly as I planned...I think I was lulled into a false sense of security and became a little too at one with the cabbage...

I think it may have been the third or fourth bite that caused the carnage...I rolled up my cabbagey tagliatelle like substance as normal and popped it into my mouth..I'm not exactly sure what happened then as I felt like the cabbage had grown hands and wrapped themselves around my tonsils..

I first did nothing only give myself a fright...after a couple of seconds I realised I couldn't breath...then I started to signal to others to hit my back..but they obviously didn't get what I was trying to signal.. charades obviously wasn't on the cards for a mid day dinner...

I eventually felt my face start to blow up like a balloon and get hot..I panic and jump up.. signalling to other tables that I need help...some large man runs over and starts giving me the hymlic manoeuvre and I feel a stab of relief...that doesn't work...tears are now streaming down my face....I don't even have the air in me to feel mortified....

As the man is crushing my chest I feel like giving up...until a waiter who has been looking at me in fear literally puts his hand into my mouth...gets nearly his whole hand down there and pulls out a piece of cabbage that looks like a large shoe lace...

When it comes out I take in a massive breath and fall to my knees bawling crying...the embarrassment starts to creep in...everyone at my table is just looking at me in mortification...the other tables are patting me on the back..I manage to get myself together and sit down..still crying with the shock of it all...

The waiter comes over and asks me am I ok...I mumble yes through the tears....He tells me I can have ice-cream on the house...I throw him a look...not really a pissed off look...but one that said "I know you saved me and everything ...but really....ice-cream"  What I really wanted him to say is...OK the chef has been fired due to his incompetent fancy cabbage...

My dinner was taken away and in its place was put three scoops of ice-cream in various flavours.....needless to say I didn't eat them...  I had been taken down by a CABBAGE......Mortified

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

What A Cabbage: Cemeteries - Not All They Are Cracked Up To Be

What A Cabbage: Cemeteries - Not All They Are Cracked Up To Be: This is broken leg story number too...a little more dramatic and stupid than the taking in the washing one... This happened in the Glendalo...

Cemeteries - Not All They Are Cracked Up To Be


This is broken leg story number too...a little more dramatic and stupid than the taking in the washing one... This happened in the Glendalough Cemetery in Wicklow.

About ten years ago I stupidly volunteered along with another few muppets to take a group of under-privileged children up to Glendalough Cemetery on the night of All Hallows Eve for a scaretastic treasure hunt...and for the non muppet like people out there All Hallows Eve is the night of Halloween.

Two problems arose.. I am terrified of graveyards...I am also afraid of the night...now not night time just the dark of the night...along with these two issues I had to deal with four youths who had no respect for these fears or the effects they might have on others....let alone had no respect for me...

Anyway as we stumbled our way around the graveyard in the pitch black hunting for clues I grew more and more anxious and more and more pissed off with my generosity to help out others....

We arrived at the shell of an oul church which was really scary...now I don't mean Harry Potter scary or even Thirteen Ghosts scary, I am talking Night of the Living Dead Scary or Pet Cemetery Scary...Now put together ...fear....my competitive streak......little shits taunting me and my ability to give in to peer pressure..well it wasn't exactly peer pressure but it was pressure..I decided to go in...Alone....

I run forward into the church..its very very dark..I see steps, climb them, I run into a room and collect the clue..dont ask cause for the life of me I don't know what it was..but needless to say I was petrified...so petrified that logic didn't take over, nor did sense or the ability to be rational...so what did I do, I saw another set of steps that led into the light...well the light of the moon anyway...I run towards them...

Now me, running and the dark are not three words that should be in a sentence together...I ran...I hit the first step...then the second..then........I ran of the side of the building...there was no third subsequent step..only two steps that led to nowhere only suicide......

As I fell the few feet to the ground, landing on another set of steps I realised what a total tool I was....and as I lay there screaming in pain...there was no consideration for anyone here, just me....I am howling and wailing and all our group surrounded me I realised something....I hate teenagers...they all stood there pointing and laughing while I lay there crying and wailing....

I started screaming at the other volunteers to get me the f*&k out of there...so instead of calling an ambulance or an airlift as I requested, a couple of the lads carried me to a van where I was quite literally thrown into and driven to the nearest hospital...where the lads said the traffic was two busy and I would be best going in the morning..so they dumped me home...

The next morning I woke up and observed a blue and purple ball in place of where my foot once was..I went immediately to A&E and was informed I had broken my ankle....now before you say anything..I know...I...AM....A....TOTAL.....CABBAGE......

photos courtesy of inmagine and world of stock.com

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

What A Cabbage: It's Totally Freezing!

What A Cabbage: It's Totally Freezing!: Ok...My fingers are too cold to do a blog today...We are sitting here with the heating on full blast, the fire is up on high and we have now...

It's Totally Freezing!

Ok...My fingers are too cold to do a blog today...We are sitting here with the heating on full blast, the fire is up on high and we have now resorted to placing our feet on hot water bottles...Ireland is just too cold....

I'm half thinking of investing in those 1980's gloves with the fingertips gone just so I can keep warm....My feet have actually gone blue and I'm so cold I cant even concentrate on the crappy cookery program Skip is forcing me to watch..

So in the spirit of keeping warm I will share a short cabbagy moment with you....

I'm down in my mom's, this was after she had died and Kim was living there with Leondra....you know who you are pal...anyway I am in need of a nice warm cup-o-soup so go routing through Kim's food press...I have my handy travel mug on me as we are just about to go for a drive....

I find a delicious looking green pepper soup, its the last one...do I take their last cup-o-soup....yes I do...

I empty the floury contents into my travel mug..add the boiling water...give it a stir...yumser..it smells delicious...  I make my exit and call shotgun...

We are on route and I am sipping on my hot soup...I say to the inhabitants of the vehicle...this is lovely soup but its very spicy, my lips are on fire...Kim says...Where did you get this soup...I reply...sorry I took your last one.....Kim says....but we didn't have any soup...there is silence for  a minute as I take this in...taking another sip of the spicy goodness....

Kim asks...what kind of soup is it...I say....I think it's green pepper.....she starts to laugh uncontrollably...I am silent again, this has to be a joke....Skip asks Kim....what is it...Kim...between the laughing manages to tell Skip that its Leo's pepper sauce....I open the lid of my travel mug and take a deep inhalation..smelling said sauce...and reply.......I was wondering why it was so thick......

They all laugh..I turn look at them and take another sip from my mug...why waste a good sauce.....Skip turns to Kim and tells her I'm a cabbage...

Monday, 5 December 2011

What A Cabbage: What Do You Mean I Will Never Walk Again?

What A Cabbage: What Do You Mean I Will Never Walk Again?: photo courtesy of Maired Crowley After much deliberation over what cabbagy ...

What Do You Mean I Will Never Walk Again?

                                                               photo courtesy of Maired Crowley
After much deliberation over what cabbagy moment I would share I have decided to go with my partners favourite story which pretty sums up my mental state in times of an emergency!!

One sunny summers day before the Euro took over, I was driving my motorbike from Clondalkin to Ballsbridge to get some Irish Punts changed into the Spanish Peseta.  At the time I also had a car but in order to avoid traffic I used to like the bike....

The bike is handy for cutting traffic along the canal.  You can just slip into the middle of the road while all the cars are backed up like a pack of dominos and sail along the centre line and arrive at your destination on time and totally calm.

Anyway, there I am sailing along the middle of the road when out of nowhere a dude in a big black car gets pissed of with sitting in traffic and decides to pull a u-turn at the exact time I am coasting along beside him.

I make contact with the drivers door, fly up onto the bonnet and end up landing on the opposite side of the road.  Now picture this...I have about £3000 in Irish Punts (half of it is my friends that I am travelling with who just happens to work in a hospital up the road) in my bag.  I am lying on my back in total shock when out of nowhere some woman runs into my line of sight shouting something about being a doctor.

Then some dude who..and I am not joking....looked like a drug addict runs up and asks me in his half awake state says..."hhhheeeerrrreeee..I'llll mind yeerrr baaaggggg" as he sways in and out of my line of sight...I say line of sight because I still have my helmet on and cant see much, kind of like a horse with blinkers on..

As I clutch my bag the Dr lady tells me an ambulance is on its way... The guy who was in the car is wailing standing over telling me of his apologies and I am just lying there thinking "mother f@$ker, Leslie is going to kill me"...Les is my pal that I was going away with...

The ambulance crew arrive and remove my helmet...I'm feeling grand bar my elbow is killing me, must have made contact with the concrete.   I'm placed on one of those board like things and they tape my head to the board so I cant move.  The Dr Lady gets into the ambulance with me...I arrive at the hospital and am brought straight through...I knew something was wrong cause I wasn't left waiting for twelve hours.

So I'm in the hospital, rushed through and X-rayed and all that crack in a matter of minutes...Dr Lady has dissapeared now...a nurse comes and moves me into a private room attached to A & E..she asks me am I ok..I tell her I'm bursting to go to the loo....she tells me they are just getting a second opinion on the X-rays and I would be let go as soon as they get the OK.  A little light goes off in my head.

The nurse is really nice and gets me a walkman to listen to...I think its Barry Manaloe, not my cup of tea but hay, she was trying her best.  About a half an hour passes....Les arrives....the conversation goes a little like this..

Les:     What the F*&k happened?
Me:     Not sure...I hit a car...
Les:     Did you get to the bank?
Me:     No......(I'm starting to wonder why she hasn't asked how I am considering I am still strapped to the board thing)
Les:     But we are flying tomorrow!
Me:     Les...I swear...if I could get up I would kick ye in the snatch...
Les:     Oh right...sorry are you ok...
Me:     Do I look OK. I'm bursting to go to the toilet.

With that a Dr comes in, a nice chap...I ask him can I go to the loo....he tells me he will sort that out in a minute..but he needs to talk to me..I tell him its ok...Les is cool...this conversation goes like this...

Dr:      OK....I dont know how to say this but it looks like you have crushed two of your vertebrae...
Me:     Right...what does that mean...
Dr:      Well, your third and fourth vertebrae appear to have crushed together and there could be some   damage...
Me:     OK....(I'm still not sure what he is shiting on about, but I need to go to the loo) I'm sorry about this but I really need to go to the loo...I'm sure its grand...sure I can still feel my legs
Dr:      Well I can get a nurse to put in a catather  
Me:     Ehhhh, no you cant..just let me up (I wriggling on the bed thing)
Dr:      Look...(the Dr is now shouting at me)  if you get up you might never walk again....
Les:     Eh...does this mean we cant go to Spain
Me:     You Selfish f*%ker..you can still go..
Les:     I'm not going without you
Dr:      Look, Spain is the least of your worries...if you put any weight on your spine it may sever..Les..is it, maybe you need to give Joy a little time....they both leave...

As I lie there crying cause I need to pee and at this stage I think I may just pee all over myself a nurse comes in..Les comes back and I have to endure the humiliation of peeing into some bed pan like thing with the assistance of Les and the Nurse.... I swore Les to silence which I think we broke the following afternoon.

Anyway..they leave me there dealing with my own mortification for a couple of hours when another Dr comes in...this one looks different...glasses, those ones that when someone wears them they look over them every so often.   I have had a while to take in all the information...so I am ready for this one..He introduces himself...Basically they had sent in a shrink or something like that to prepare me for whatever they were going to do...

Dr:      So Joy, you have had a little time to take in some information...
Me:     Yeah
Dr:      So your aware that you may need surgery and could possibly end up needing intensive work and quite possibly need a wheelchair
Me:     Yeah..sure what can one do?
Dr:      You don't seem to put off!  (I can tell by him he is a little confused)
Me:     No sure it will be grand. Was probably for the best!
Dr:      What....for the best, your probably still in shock?   (Defo thinks I am crazy)
Me:     Well its like this...Now that I am a cripple the corporation are going to have to give me a nice bungalow.  I probably will never have to work again so I can join some cripple basketball team and probably go on to be in the parolympics where I will get a gold medal and probably some sponsorship money...it will be grand!
Dr:       Right...(he scribbles something down in his sheet)

So I'm lying there another bit....realise I must be here about eight hours....I still haven't told any of my family..they have enough to be dealing with what with my mam sick.

Another Dr comes in...tells me he is some specialist from another hospital in Dublin and wants to x-ray me again...I am wheeled into a big x-ray room...the x-ray people pull me onto the table thing and stretch me out..this cant be good for my spine I tell them..I am wheeled back and the doctor comes back in with the x-rays...he starts un-harnessing me from the board thing...I tell him my arm is still sore...he tells me its swollen and cut but not broken..he then tells me that I am one of 100,000 children that are born with fused vertebrae and I am OK that maybe I may need some treatment when I am older.  I am confused...

So what about my bungalow and Olympic medal...he looks confused.....I am discharged and my Olympic dreams are dashed... Truly a moment of pure cabbageyness.....this story from beginning to end is totally and utterly true!

Saturday, 3 December 2011

What A Cabbage: Crazy Assed Pigeons Nearly Killed Me!

What A Cabbage: Crazy Assed Pigeons Nearly Killed Me!: Oh My God........ Photo does not represent actual size!!!! I wasn't going to blog today it being a Saturday and all that but sweet Jesus ...

Crazy Assed Pigeons Nearly Killed Me!

Oh My God........

Photo does not represent actual size!!!!

I wasn't going to blog today it being a Saturday and all that but sweet Jesus in Heaven the ordeal I had to go through today and the total embarrassment that followed deserves an aul blog.

I'm around in the village trying to get my prescription filled as I'm a little under the weather what with my version of Man Flu....I like it to be know as Les Flu.

Anyway there I am leaving the pharmacy when out of nowhere two Massive Pigeons and I mean Massive, they were like those winged monkey things out of The Wizard of Oz, flew onto me...  and I mean onto me...I think they were involved in some mating ritual because the bigger of the two, Massive 1, appeared to be trying to dry hump the smaller one, Massive 2, but she was having none of it....this was all going just above my head....Massive 1 actually touched my shoulder.

So I obviously start screaming like a whaling banshee and drop my prescription and try to cover myself with my arms....Now even I'm aware that I am screaming for a while so I take it upon myself to look out from under my arms.

I take a quick look around and realise these two F&*kers have flown off leaving me standing in the middle of the main street looking like a total cabbage.

I try to gather myself together by picking up my medicine and brushing myself off when I realise there are a group of kids actually screaming with the laughter at my misfortune.....I was so in shock I couldn't even laugh back...mortified and riddled with all kinds of bird diseases I fly home to take a shower...Total Cabbage.

Friday, 2 December 2011

What A Cabbage: Don't Take Your Washing In When It's Dark!

What A Cabbage: Don't Take Your Washing In When It's Dark!: Not long ago I had various cabbagy moments when I broke my foot while hanging out the washing. Actually I am lying, it was while I was tak...

Don't Take Your Washing In When It's Dark!


Not long ago I had various cabbagy moments when I broke my foot while hanging out the washing.  Actually I am lying, it was while I was taking in the washing....it was a very dark night and I had totally forgot to take the washing in earlier and fell while doing it...

Cabbagey situation one:      I tripped over myself while collecting the washing

Cabbagey situation two:      After I wriggled around in pain for a while grabbing said injury I totally started   trying to whisper scream to my partner to come rescue me.  It was late and I was trying to respect my neighbours.

Cabbagey situation three:    The whisper screaming isn't working so I am dragging myself into the house with                                                                               tears streaming down my face.  At this point I resemble that dude out of Misery after Kathy bates hammered his ankles together.

Cabbagey situation four:      I'm making my way into the hall when, thank God, Skip eventually hears me pulling myself through the hall.   "Did you fall again?" She shouts   "Yeah, it wasn't my fault, its very dark" I manage to shout back through the tears.

Cabbagey situation five:     I pause for a few moments, one because I am so out of breath from dragging my fat ass through the house and two because I half expected Skip to come and assist me with my disability.....but no, she wasn't coming.

Cabbagey situation six:      I make it up the stairs and onto the bed, I start taking photos of said ankle showing Skip all the swolleness of it and 'Flow' my adorable little pet jumps onto the injured leg and I start screaming again..  Skip asks "Do you need to go to the hospital" throwing her eyes up to the heavens...."No" I reply in a huff.


Cabbagey situation seven:  I make sleeping an unbearable task for Skip with all the crying and she demands that I go to the hospital.

Cabbagey situation eight:   I'm in the hospital and they have x-rays of a previous leg break to comapare..the nurse turns and asks  "how did that one happen"  mortified i respond with "that happened while doing the Jade Goody work out video"  I hang my head in shame....Skip wasn't even there to help with my embarressment as she had to go to work.

Cabbagey situation nine:   I'm diagnosed with a fracture of the foot...I'm sent home....my good pal Flangey picks me up to bring me to the shopping centre to collect a prescription.  Now for anyone who has been afflicted with the task of enduring crutches, may the lord be with you...they are hell on earth.  Your hands swell with the weight of yourself on two sticks, especially if your fond of an owl ice-cream.  Your knackered after about ten yards...you start to sweat at about twelve yards...all in all after about fifteen yards Flangey gets me a mechanical wheelchair to travel around the shopping centre in.....mortified but necessary

Cabbagey situation ten:    A child about six passes me out while on crutches....again, mortified.

Cabbagey situation eleven:  Flangey buys me an ice-cream and I have to reverse out of Game Stop as I haven't got enough room for a three point turn and the wheelchair starts beeping like an articulated truck...again mortified.

Cabbagey situation twelve:  We get clamped for parking in a wheelchair spot and have all out war with the clamper......

I could go on and on....but I won't, when Skip came home she was very sympathetic until I showed her the photos of the days events...flangy couldn't help herself the camera was out every five minutes.....then she just called me a Cabbage...

Moral of the story:  don't take your washing in at night!!!

Thursday, 1 December 2011

What A Cabbage: The Consequences of Accidently Setting Your Dress ...

What A Cabbage: The Consequences of Accidently Setting Your Dress ...: For those of you that aren't aware, while on a very lovely trip to the island of Jersey I accidently set my brand new 100% silk dress aligh...

The Consequences of Accidently Setting Your Dress On Fire


For those of you that aren't aware, while on a very lovely trip to the island of Jersey I accidently set my brand new 100% silk dress alight, for those involved it was an incident known now as "the Great Fire of Jersey"...I know, I know,  a little dramatic but with our friends we have had many an accidental fire, there was another AKA "the Great Fire of Ongar" whereby at a little gathering of friends a gas heater blew up setting the whole garden on fire.

This was a little more dramatic than my dress being set on fire as the fire brigade attended the scene of the "Great Fire of Ongar" but unfortunately didn't think my fashion emergency warranted their presence.

Anyway, I was sitting in a very lovely open air restaurant having a very lovely pint with my very wonderful partner and some very special friends...I am having a delicious cigarette (I'm off them four months today) and pretty much enjoying life.  So...I'm sitting there in the sun enjoying my smoke happy as a pig in shit after my fabulous purple purchase when low and behold my partner pipes up with "Joy, you should maybe watch where your tipping your ash...its going to fall into your new dress"...I lean back and said "Skip...stop your flapping" and took a very long and slow drag of my cigarette....

As if God was looking down on me and wanting to punish my ass I flick my smoke over towards a wall (there  was no point in using the ashtray as it was very windy and the previous smokes had flown all over the place....also everyone else was doing it) I watched as the smoke took flight and as if in slow motion flew straight back at me and landed in my very beautifully wrapped purchase.

Now I would say my face was priceless as I jumped from my seat and started stomping all over my package...everyone in the restaurant thought I was crazy....what could I do, I flipped the dress out and there it was a massive hole like a bullet had penitrated its silky exterior...I could have stuck my finger straight through it.

To cut to the chase, I went out and found myself a very beautiful piece of material to mend this dress and brought it to the dress makers...I spent some time choosing this specific piece of material.  I go into the store and have to reiterate my story of the cigarette while other people in need of fabric fixing stood by giggling.. The guy in the front calls out his most talented dress person...or so he told me.

I stand there mortified and explain my stupidity again.....she looks at the dress...."hmmmmm, I not like the coolurrr" was she French.... Lithuanian....I don't know but I was like, I don't give a crap if you don't like the colour can you fix it....."of course I can, but I am not happy with the colour"....Skip stands there with a smile on her face as if to say again "you are a cabbage" and I  look at her with a look that says "go f@?k yourself" (in an endearing way of course) anyway even though the dress maker doesn't like the colour she agrees to fix it....I've to collect it next week.

The moral of the story is, if someone warns you about a possible arson incident, do not take it lightly....Skip I am totally sorry I didn't listen...I was a total cabbage!