The Jade Goody Work Out Video - Yet Another Broken Leg

RIP Jade Goody

Well yet another totally mortifying story to entertain you all.

This one starts on a mild Autum evening down in the Bough....Mom had died and myself and Kim had renovated the downstairs of the house knocking down walls and what not to give us more light and space...

Space to do workout videos...It was actually a DVD but due to my ever increasing age I still continue to say things like..I'm off to the video shop....or Skip, drop those DVD's round to the video shop....I dont actually call them videos..but the shop is still the video shop...

Anyway this one day Kim and I had had a barney of some description...probably down to leaving the emersion on or something...what with us being poverty stricken students and all that...ESB was pricey...

So she had gone out in a huff and I had been feeling like I had a fat day...well there's no lying about it..who am I kidding I WAS having a fat day due to the fact that I was a tad overweight....love them cream buns....

So out came Kims Jade Goody Dance DVD....In I popped, there she was God rest her soul bouncing around on screen...actually looked like a bit of crack so I decided to join in....I was just observing for a while...

Now in our little renovation of the house we made an adjustment to our fireplace..making not so child friendly what with sharp edges and the chrome edge thingy and I just wasn't paying it enough attention..

The workout started off fine...a couple of 1980 dance moves...I was all over that shit...

Then she started doing this 'must be modern for the time' but a jump thingy whereby you throw one leg over the other and kick out with the other...Bruce Lee would have had problems with this thing! Anyway me being one not to quit that easily was convinced I'd get it and be able to show Kim when she got back.....kind of like a kick you in the gilly peace offering...

So off I go..I must have looked like I was partaking in a sponsored epileptic fit..prancing around with no co-ordination...then out of nowhere I nail it...I'm flying around to the music..I think I am absolutly deadly...I'm prancing and singing and sweating buckets...

I think I got a little too over confident because I literally throw myself across the living room to the beat of the music and my leg goes from under me and I fly into the fireplace bashing my leg and what little dignity I had left off the hard concrete and metal.

I'm flailing around on the floor...crying yet again....I cant ring Kim so I ring Louise...(my like other fake sister) and her and her mom Lilo come around and take me to the hospital..

I am in with the nurse...she asks what happened...my face goes really red...I cant say dancing alone in my living room...they be calling the head doctors for me..do I decide to come clean.."I was doing the Jade Goody work out video"....silence....a smirk...another nurse comes in...what happened..the other nurse was only too delighted to tell her...what about patient confidentiality .

Needless to say they got a great laugh out of it....they even had the cheek to ask is it good....Yeah Brilliant I reply..Total Cabbagy Moment

Cemeteries - Not All They Are Cracked Up To Be

This is broken leg story number too...a little more dramatic and stupid than the taking in the washing one... This happened in the Glendalough Cemetery in Wicklow.

About ten years ago I stupidly volunteered along with another few muppets to take a group of under-privileged children up to Glendalough Cemetery on the night of All Hallows Eve for a scaretastic treasure hunt...and for the non muppet like people out there All Hallows Eve is the night of Halloween.

Two problems arose.. I am terrified of graveyards...I am also afraid of the night...now not night time just the dark of the night...along with these two issues I had to deal with four youths who had no respect for these fears or the effects they might have on others....let alone had no respect for me...

Anyway as we stumbled our way around the graveyard in the pitch black hunting for clues I grew more and more anxious and more and more pissed off with my generosity to help out others....

We arrived at the shell of an oul church which was really scary...now I don't mean Harry Potter scary or even Thirteen Ghosts scary, I am talking Night of the Living Dead Scary or Pet Cemetery Scary...Now put together ...fear....my competitive streak......little shits taunting me and my ability to give in to peer pressure..well it wasn't exactly peer pressure but it was pressure..I decided to go in...Alone....

I run forward into the church..its very very dark..I see steps, climb them, I run into a room and collect the clue..dont ask cause for the life of me I don't know what it was..but needless to say I was petrified...so petrified that logic didn't take over, nor did sense or the ability to be rational...so what did I do, I saw another set of steps that led into the light...well the light of the moon anyway...I run towards them...

Now me, running and the dark are not three words that should be in a sentence together...I ran...I hit the first step...then the second..then........I ran of the side of the building...there was no third subsequent step..only two steps that led to nowhere only suicide......

As I fell the few feet to the ground, landing on another set of steps I realised what a total tool I was....and as I lay there screaming in pain...there was no consideration for anyone here, just me....I am howling and wailing and all our group surrounded me I realised something....I hate teenagers...they all stood there pointing and laughing while I lay there crying and wailing....

I started screaming at the other volunteers to get me the f*&k out of there...so instead of calling an ambulance or an airlift as I requested, a couple of the lads carried me to a van where I was quite literally thrown into and driven to the nearest hospital...where the lads said the traffic was two busy and I would be best going in the morning..so they dumped me home...

The next morning I woke up and observed a blue and purple ball in place of where my foot once was..I went immediately to A&E and was informed I had broken my ankle....now before you say anything..I know...I...AM....A....TOTAL.....CABBAGE......

photos courtesy of inmagine and world of stock.com