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Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Don't Get Caught With Your Pants Down

Firstly let me start by apologising for my lack of blog over the Christmas period, I was out of town visiting my only skin and blister and her new baby and couldn't be arsed..actually I'm not really sorry at all but sure I'm back now so I have decided to share a little story.

It starts like this.  I'm about twelve years old maybe eleven.  My mom sends me down to the local shop to get a pint of milk and a sliced pan.

Off I trot in a little dress, I can even remember it, it was white with a red belt and a navy stripped skirt piece that totally showed off my underwear when I spun in a circle.  I loved it.

So there I am skipping happily along until I reach the store.  I push open the heavy glass door and with my £5 note (the euro didn't exist back then) in my hand and enter the store.

I skip in and see the cutest little Yorkshire terrier on a shoe lace like lead who was attached to this middle aged woman I knew from around the corner.

It is so cute that I cant take my eyes off its big sad eyes.  I skip over to the milk and pull a pint from the fridge and then over to the bread to get a sliced pan all the while staring into that cute little puppy dog's eyes.
                                                                          Not Actual Dog
I then skip over the till area where this lil cutie is to pay for my items.  The woman is talking to the aul bitch behind the counter, I say aul bitch because she is one.  She hates kids and treats them like crap.  More so than the average aul bitch of a shopkeeper.

As I plank my items down on the counter I look into the dogs eyes and crouch down to rub his soft looking fur.

As I squat down my floppy little dress must catch some air, kind of like a parachute effect and frighten the dog because he jumps up and bites me on the ass.

The aul bitch behind the counter goes mad shouting at me to get my stuff and get out frightening a little dog like that.  I'm totally traumatised.

I grab my shit with tears in my eyes and limp all the way home.  When I see my mum I totally burst into tears and tell her what happened.  She immediately grabs me, flings me over her lap to have a good look at the bite wound.

My mom starts ranting, I know something bad is happening because she is shouting about "f@&king animals" and "I'll give her frightening a lil dog" and before I know it I am being dragged down the road crying my eyes out towards the shop.

We enter the shop like thunder at which point the aul bitch's face drops to the ground because as soon as we are in my mom hauls me over the counter pulls up my dress and proceeds to show my ass to the entire store.  Now by entire there were only a couple of other people in there but I could see the shock on their faces and feel mine in flames.

The aul bitch goes white as my mom starts threatening her with suing the shop if she doesn't tell her where this woman lives.  The aul bitch gives in, its not surprising that she would give in considering she would rather give her left nipple than part with five cents of her money.  My mom is still not satisfied and screams threats at the aul bitch before dragging me out the door.

Thank God I think as we head out, home, but no, she is dragging me in the direction of the neighbouring avenue and pulling me at speed while ranting to herself about strangling the dog and what she won't do to it when we get there.

When we arrive at our destination my mom starts banging on the door, making a show of me she was.  The woman answers the door clearly terrified  by my moms screaming from outside.

Immediately my mother again exposes my ass to the entire street, some of whom have actually come out to have a look at the raving lunatic ranting on about her daughters ass.  I quite literally want to die right there as a girl I dont particularly like passes by sniggering.

The woman starts to cry apologising, my mom is crying about my ass, the woman starts going on about being alone and the dog is like her child.  My mom is bawling now.  I am crying with the embarrassment.  The woman tells mom she will pay for my tetanus and any medical treatment.

Mom calms down.  I am dragged back to the house, mom is deflated.  She takes me for a tetnis.  She doesn't ask the woman for the cost of it! I get a bollocking for trying to pet every animal I lay my eyes on.  Moral of the story.. Don't wear a skirt that catches the wind.

1 comment:

  1. Lmaooooo...that shopkeeper has to be Helen lol